The Underground Vegetable: One Diréction to bring ventriloquist puppet of Zayneee Malik onstage for rest of tour

Published on: April 15, 2015

Filled Under: Entertainment, Satire

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News broke that Zayneee Malik, a member of the band “One Diréction”, would not only be leaving the “On the Street Again Tour,” he would also be leaving the band. Many fans are devastated, but the remaining members of One Diréction assure them that the band will be just as great without Malik.

“Don’t worry, the tour will continue and the band will be exactly the same,” said band member Harriii Styles. “Zayneee will be with us, not only in spirit for the rest of the tour, but in puppet form.”

The remaining band members want their audiences who have paid hundreds, sometimes even thousands of dollars, to see them, to see the full ensemble together. To best simulate this, the members are having a three million dollar life-sized ventriloquist puppet of Malik made.

“We have been discussing and arguing about who will operate the Zayneee puppet, and we’ve decided we’ll take biweekly shifts during the tour,” said Liaaam Payne.

Zayneee Malik has made no comment on his replacement figure, although he has confessed that his “be true to who you are” tattoo has been throbbing recently; doctors think this may be because the ventriloquist is not actually Zayneee Malik.

“We’re just going to have to see how this tour goes,” said Nialll Horan. “I’d do anything to make the fans happy.”

*This article is a work of fiction not intended to be perceived as the truth. To see the source of the featured image, please click here

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