The Underground Vegetable: Students bootleg coffee and tea after new rule implemented

in Satire/Showcase by

*This is a work of fiction

In the beginning of the 2015-2016 school year, administration created a rule that prohibits students from drinking anything at school besides water. This instatement has caused competing campus mafias to form and the bootlegging of coffee and herbal tea.

“There’s already some competition between the Earl Grey tea and coffee mobs at school,” said an ARS freshmen that wanted to remain anonymous. “I witnessed one of the Earl Grey tea mobsters stealing some of the coveted Paper Mate felt tip pens from the coffee mobsters, so, there’s definitely some tension.”

Because water bottles are the only permitted beverage-carriers on campus, students have gotten more creative about how to hide their teas and coffees while at school.

“I know some girls who have transformed their pencil pouches into insulated thermoses, just for the purpose of carrying their black coffee to get them through an afternoon slump,” said a senior going by the pseudonym Caffeine Boss.

The new rule has also caused some of the ARS mobsters to hijack maker-space tools in order to create underground tunnels for caffeine exchanges and coffee speakeasies.

“Some of our mobsters are in the engineering pathway so they have made intricate Google SketchUp models of the tunnels that will run under the ground,” an anonymous junior mobster said. “And if you’ve noticed the high power drill missing from the maker-space, don’t look at me.”

Some students have compared the ban on simple, low calorie, low sugar drinks like homemade coffee and teas to prohibition of the 1920s.

“I understand banning frappes, and sodas, but my friends and I need our coffee to make it through third period,” an anonymous sophomore said. “I wonder if ‘Mob Boss’ was one of the leadership roles considered when this school opened.”

Students are hoping that this rule will be lifted soon, as many believe it’s not effective.

“You know, when I came to this school I didn’t think it would teach me to be Al Capone, but I’m starting to feel like him more and more everyday,” Caffeine Boss said.

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