To me, music isn’t just music; music is my life, and listening to it keeps me sane. Hearing a melody makes me feel happy and calm and it subdues the hyperactiveness going on in my brain. Most of the music that blares in my room is Korean Pop band Bangtan Sonyeondan, or other bands that nobody knows, or even cares about. I listen to music that has a message, and that I can relate to.
One time I was home alone. I was so happy that day, and I just turned up the radio in the living room until I couldn’t hear myself speak or even hear my phone ring. Looking back, jumping on that couch just screaming at the top of my lungs with the lyrics to the song playing made me feel so happy. But I felt tired after the feeling of happiness subsided, and I turned down the volume then turned the radio completely off and I end up going back to listening to music on my laptop until my family got home.
But when my family is at my apartment, I am alone in my room while my sister is with friends, and my parents and brother cook dinner or watch television. I sometimes close my door and just lay in bed on my phone with music playing on my laptop. Once in awhile I get so tired of music to the point I turn it off and go outside.
When my phone dies or I lose interest in what is playing is when I go outside and walk to the park. It’s small, but has a bridge so that I can lay there and stare at the cloudy blue sky and listen to the sounds all around me. Sometimes I burst into to tears just thinking about the past with old friends and people I used to love dearly.
The feeling starts in my stomach and then my heart, just an ache of loneliness, sadness, worry, anger- almost every bad feeling that has ever been felt. The sounds of the are blowing through the trees and the kids running around laughing creates a tune all it’s own. Out of sadness I sometimes hum a tune and make up lyrics that show emotion and go along with that tune.
And having nobody to talk to makes the feelings even worse.All I ever wanted was a friend that is there, and accepts me and doesn’t try to change me in anyway. But tries to help fix problems instead of making them worse. Recently, that happened and music only reminds me of those events. I hate that but music is all I have to help me express the emotions I feel.
Sometimes I find music that helps me sleep, it’s calming at times if I listen to the right songs. Kind of like the sound of ocean waves over at the Gulf of Mexico during the summer, minus all the sand and other people there. Music that has a meaning that makes me smile until I fall asleep, sometimes I don’t know it and I have to think about it. Other times I already know, songs with meaning and emotion calm me down enough so I fall asleep effortlessly. So music keeps me alive, keeps me happy, keeps me thinking, and helps me fall asleep. Like a friend who is always there for you no matter what, you dislike them in conflicts but after that, everything is good.